My Crazy Life!

Friday, December 30, 2011

More Like a Diary Post

One of the things I was always complimented on in my post-observation meetings was how reflective I am. I guess that is a compliment. But sometimes I think I reflect too much. I tend to look back and always make the "what if" statement in my mind. "What if" I had done it this way? "What if" I had not made that choice? And then that gets me thinking about the "What ifs " for my future. "What if" this doesn't work out?
Since school is out and nights have been later and mornings shorter, I find myself in this sort of "funk". I don't necessarily like it, but I'm in it. Actually, I don't like it at all. But here I am. And I know I need to get out of it because not only is it not good for me, it's not good for those who are around me. Because this yucky thing that I'm in makes me relive all those bad and hurtful feelings I felt when I lost my job.
And maybe that is why I can't get out of this. I have not truly gotten over the hurt of losing my job. Words can't describe the hole it has left in me. I loved my job. I still do. And the thought of not teaching again wouldn't be as bad if I didn't have kids. Because then I wouldn't have to go into the schools. Into the place where I want to be.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids with all my heart.
My mind still tells me "Give it to God. Trust in Him." I know that in my heart too. But my human emotions are still so raw and strong, I guess, that this is easier said than done. I do pray that God will show me the right path to follow. I pray that He will help me to help provide for my family. I pray that He will give me guidance and strength so that I may be what He wants me to be. I pray that He gives me the wisdom and courage to show others my true heart and not what I've made it out to be. I pray that He will take all this hurt and use it for good. I pray that He will help me be a better mother, wife, and friend.
It isn't that my job now is not fulfilling. It is, just not in the way teaching did. I had pride when someone asked me what I did for a living. And it's not that I don't have pride now when I tell others, it's just a different type. My job now is something I think I would do on the side, so to speak. It would be an added bonus to what I already did for students. There are a few students who are grateful for the help I have given.
And I know right now this seems really selfish of me. It is all about me and I. But sometimes when a person just writes down their feelings, it helps make it all go away. It's therapeutic writing. Not for anyone else, or for comment or ridicule, just for themselves. But again, I guess that is what diaries are for too!
However, if by reading this, you are driven to comment, by all means, feel free to do so.

Friday, September 9, 2011

New Beginnings!

Well, I have secured a new position in the school system! I will be assisting students with the whole college process. Most of the work I do is on a volunteer basis, but I do get a small living stipend every month and once I fulfill all the hours the program requires I will get a grant to help pay for school. An added bonus, you ask! I will get to help others! I will get to see if secondary education is the right path for me!
When I got the call for an interview, I asked God to give me the words to speak if this was the path He wanted me to take. Obviously He did for only reasons He knows right now. I cannot see the whole picture like He does. I just have to trust God. And I do. I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to stay in the school system and still stay in contact with kids. I am so thankful that God has given me something more than what I had before.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The struggle between my head and my heart

As the first day of school approaches in the district where I live, I can't help but feel disappointed and angry.

I am angry because I saw something and heard something. How could those people behave like that and call themselves Christians? That angers me.
But GOD sees what is ahead. GOD will help me get through it. GOD will provide for me. GOD has something better for me.
Today as I began to write my feelings down, I went full blast. I put all my thoughts and feelings out there. But I know that my God would not approve if I hit the post button with all that, so I edited. A LOT! But this is more therapeutic than anything. I have always been the write it then trash it kind of girl. I can get the things bothering me off my chest by writing it down. And because I write it all and hold nothing back, I often trash those feelings, which is what I did earlier.

My husband and I got into a fight last night because this situation. I try to keep my cool in public when people ask me about what happened when all I really want to do is tell them what I think. I hold back because, for all I know, God may have planned for me to re-join the district. I hold back because it is the right thing to do. I hold back because I don't want to look like I deserved what I got. But when we are home, I don't hold back. He is my best friend and I want to share my thoughts and feelings with him. And I want him to feel the same way as I do about it all. I want him to be sympathetic to me. And one of the big differences between the two of us is that he gets over things more quickly than I do. In fact, I think it takes me at least twice as long as him.
So, after 2 months, I have still not gotten over all of this. Mainly because I have not had any luck with a new job. I had hoped that I would be occupied with something else. I have been looking at graduate school as well. But as I browse through the pages of potential schools for this, nothing interests me yet. Nothing jumps out and says, "This is your next path." So I am in turmoil inside. My head knows that I need to get past this. It says to move on. And I do want to move on. Yet, my heart is still broken. It is still picking up all the pieces from when it was shattered.