Getting Through It All I

If you know me, you will know that I don't like to admit when I am wrong or need help. I am independent. I seldom ask for help. That is just who I am. But I am learning how to let go of the pride that comes with letting go of all that.

Over the last year, I have had some major ups and downs. I have literally been on a roller coaster of emotions. Highs included having an awesome little kindergarten class who I love very much, growing closer to friends and God, and watching my babies grow. And I am not afraid to let you know about the lows either. To start it all off, I had a bad "review" with an observation at work which I think sent everything else spiraling down. My year ended with losing my job. I was devastated because my position was being filled with tenured teacher due to budget cuts. (this is what I was told by the administration) And as with all loses, I went through the gamete of emotions to deal with this. I was shocked, mad, depressed, and finally came to peace with the situation because I knew that God would not have allowed this to happen to me if He did not have other plans for me.

I had a great summer. We bought a house, so that filled up most of the time. We went of vacation to visit my family in Ohio, had an amazing week of VBS, and I taught an art class at Camp Creative. I even joined the church praise band as a "back-up" singer. But when time came to have to register my kids for school, the emotions I had thought I was over came rushing back with a fury and a vengeance.

I had been looking and applying for teaching positions in our district and at schools close to where we live in hopes that if I didn't get hired where I was formerly employed, I would be close to the kids. I applied to receive unemployment benefits and was approved for that.

Yet there I was, going in to register my children for school. I had to go back in and face the people I had spent two years getting to know and enjoy. (My daughter is starting kindergarten this year) I had to stop before I went through the doors to ask God for the strength and confidence to do it. I could feel all the anxiety and anger coming back into me.

I did make it through the registration even when my former principal came over to make small talk. And of course she wanted to know if I had found another job and what my plans were if not. In those moments, I had to control my thoughts and words more than ever. But I had asked God to help me so I knew that it was Him controlling me.

Later that night, was when I felt like I had been knocked back down to the bottom of the barrel. Every teacher friend I had not seen wanted to know if I had found a job. And you have to understand that teaching is what I feel God has led me to do. I started college in 1997 and finished in 2008. (I didn't take classes the entire time, but went when I could) Everyone I knew in the building I'm sure wanted to know. I felt looks of pity from those who knew me in the room. I couldn't stand it. I knew when I dropped off my daughter on the first day of school, I would get the same thing. So thoughts began to flood me. I thought of what I would say to the principal and other people who I was still furious with. I thought of what I would do if I didn't get hired by the time school started. I began to feel destroyed, crushed, and worthless. I was falling into depression. I cried almost all of the next day. I didn't want to leave the house. I wanted to be left alone.

But God sent me a straightforward husband and he wouldn't let me fall into that pit. When he came home from work that day, he left me alone at first but by the end of the day, he had had enough and finally told me that I couldn't let this take over me. So I left the house with him and slowly, the anger began to leave me.

But while I was going through this, I was filling my time with my Facebook page too. There I subscribe to a page that posts Bible verses. On the night I began to fall back into the pit, God put this verse on the page, Eph 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ.

I knew it was what I needed to see and get through my head. My sister commented on that post and said that she had studied and spoke about this very verse the same night. I got comments from others that the verse was something they needed to hear at the time as well. But I was still angry. So I kept looking at the posts of my friends and other pages I subscribed to. And as I scrolled on down the page, I came across another post from a Bible group. This time it was a post of a song. Usually, I don't listen to videos posted, but I clicked on the link and found the most beautiful and moving song. It was still another message I needed to get. I fell in love with the song and the music coming from this couple. I fell in love with the words the poet had written. It spoke to me. It yelled to me, get up you silly girl. God is here and He is working. Trust Him!

Then after my pity party, I looked on my Facebook page the following morning and saw this! Colossians 3:15 The peace that Christ gives is to guide you in the decisions you make; for it is to this peace that God has called you together in the one body. And be thankful. (GNT)

He gives us the tools we need to get through life's trials. He asks that we trust Him. He asks that we give our sins and shortcomings to Him. He will help us through if we just let Him. He is always there. He gives us what we need just when we need it.

Day 61 Sure Thing

Jesus always knew just what to say. He called Herod out by calling him a fox and telling him that HE would keep doing what He was doing. How I wish that I could be like that. I know that there are times when I should speak up, but I don't. I know I don't like conflict and confrontation, so I keep quiet. Other times, I don't know what to say. Then again, there are a few times when I fly off at the mouth and get myself into trouble. So I have learned to keep quiet...most of the time.

There have been times when I have been direct. But those times have been few. And in those times, I have always felt something inside me that didn't feel like me, making me do it and that is just not who I am. So I am not always direct. Or maybe the word I am looking for is that bold.

My husband can say anything to just about anyone. He is not intimidated by many. He uses this at the appropriate times, most of the time, but he is bold when it comes to being direct. He usually justifies his words by ending with "It's the truth." Now wether or not I agree with his "truth" all the time is different, but when it comes to letting others know his feelings, he is unafraid. I wish that I could have just a little bit of the confidence to say what I think is my "truth" when it comes to the "Herods" in my life.

Day 60 Service While You Wait

Is it fair for God to hold leaders to a higher level of accountability than others? Yes and no. Here's why I think yes. These leaders are those we look to for guidance. We look to them to see how we should be acting, or to see what someone who is filled with the Spirit looks like because we have not yet been filled with the Spirit. Yes, he/she should be held to a high level of accountability because they not only allowed Jesus to enter into their hearts, but they answered the call to serve in a public way. But here's the no part to this too.

We all answered the call at one point in our lives. We all have asked Jesus to fill us with His Spirit and lead us where He needs us to go. Not all people can be preachers or spiritual leaders that fulfill their purpose in the public eye. We as Christians should all be held to a high accountability level because we have said yes to the awesome job of being a disciple of Jesus. If we are to obey the Lord's commandments, we should not use our positions to get what we want. I can think of some of these types of people but who can't? We should use God's call to fulfill God's plan, which has nothing to do with us.

Watch Me Dance!

You know, this is just little ol' me, but here, I think that God wants us to see how important we are. In verse 20, it says, "...do not rejoice that spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven." He is saying that we are just as important as those who we seek to save along with us. If we don't value that, we can't convince others that it is worth it too. Those around us and those who we are sent to find will see through the "mask."

And yes, we should still seek the lost, but we should rejoice that He has our name written in the Book of Life along with every name we get to help add.

My image of Jesus never included one of the Son dancing and leaping for joy, but why should He not? Why should His life not be full of celebration too? As I sit here and think about it more, I can't help but think that Jesus was a person. Flesh and bones, just like us. We can't relate to anyone who is not like us. If we only see Jesus as this somber, Holy figure, we will never be able to become more like the person He was too. Just like we read before, Jesus took baths, combed his hair, felt hunger, sorrow, and joy. We can't forget that He was like us. He was sent for the people of the world. And aren't we all flesh and bone underneath it all, just like Christ? The only thing that separates us from them is that they have never opened their hearts to this idea. And it is our job to at least plant the seed of life so that it may grow until they are ready to blossom with the love that God has given to them too.

Hey, It's Not Me!

Rejection. I don't deal well at all with that. I always take it personally. But rejection is one of satan's ways of cutting us down. He knows the human heart too. Who doesn't like to be wanted, needed, loved. When we are rejected by those around us, it cuts like a sharp, sharp knife.

But even in the throws of rejection, we can have faith in our Lord! He is there for us through it all, and for it all.

Blasted Unbelievers

I am so ashamed. I have let life get the best of me, and lost touch with what is really important. So many times, I ask God to forgive me for not making time for Him. I know that I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. All I can do is admit my sins to God and ask for His forgiveness. And knowing that, I take for granted that others can't do the same. Part of the reason they can't ask for forgiveness for the same sin I have committed is because they don't know Him yet. I really should be more ashamed of that than anything else.

I think that sometimes we get caught up in what we think is right that we sometimes forget that what our human minds have created may not be the actual truth. For example, one of my sisters and I are both believers of Christ. However, we don't see eye to eye about the details. Does that mean I am wrong and she is right, or vice versa? Maybe we both are right. Maybe we both are wrong. That doesn't matter much though if we both don't have an attitude like Christ. If we both want the other to be wrong and be punished for our misguidance, we both are not following God's command. We both should be working toward a common goal: showing others the way to Christ.

Another example I can think of is with my other sister. She shared some things about herself with me that in the past I would have given her a piece of my mind about. But since I have been making a conscience effort to have an attitude of Christ, I decided to not say anything. I am just going to be there if she needs me and pray for her. Because right now, I feel that is what Jesus would do in this situation.

I love my family and I now realize that if one or more of them don't see eye to eye with me, that in the past, I have been terribly pushy to try to get them to see things my way. Now, I know that I need to pray to have a heart and attitude like Jesus or else I will be just like James and John, wanting to destroy their way so that mine will prevail.

Sowing Lessons

I am so far from a green thumb, I am almost embarrassed to admit it. (I once had a cactus that didn't make it!) But I still try. As a matter of fact, I have had a plant thrive under my care for almost three years now. My husband teases me that this is a miracle, and I sometimes wonder why this one plant has persevered through my gardening habits or lack there of and others don't.

But after reading today's study, I think I realize why. The soil wasn't right.

As a teacher, I have to teach about plants. To kindergartners, this concept has to be simple. I can't teach them ideas that are to complex or their little minds will not be able to grasp it. I have to teach them the basics and let my fellow teachers expand on it. So bear with me while I give my version of a sowing lesson.

The soil has to have the right amount of nutrients and oxygen and water for the pant to grow. The food is the Word of God. The oxygen is an open hearts. The water is the Blood of Christ that was shed for you and me. The roots are understanding the Word, the stem is perseverance, the leaves our ears to hear the Word, the flower is us pleasing God, and the seed is spreading God's word to others, and the sun represents God's love for us.

Now I could get deeper in my analogy, but like I said, I am a kindergarten teacher and I like to keep things simple. And although the drawing my look like one of my students drew it, to me it carries a beautiful message-God is in everything!

So if you get flowers this week from your loved ones, know that God loves you too and He is pleased because you are one of His beautiful flowers too!