Welcome to My Crazy Life!
Just a day to day, or week to week, account of a mom, teacher, friend, wife, and regular everyday busy woman!
Friday, July 29, 2011
If you know me, you will know that I don't like to admit when I am wrong or need help. I am independent. I seldom ask for help. That is just who I am. But I am learning how to let go of the pride that comes with letting go of all that.
Over the last year, I have had some major ups and downs. I have literally been on a roller coaster of emotions. Highs included having an awesome little kindergarten class who I love very much, growing closer to friends and God, and watching my babies grow. And I am not afraid to let you know about the lows either. To start it all off, I had a bad "review" with an observation at work which I think sent everything else spiraling down. My year ended with losing my job. I was devastated because my position was being filled with tenured teacher due to budget cuts. (this is what I was told by the administration) And as with all loses, I went through the gamete of emotions to deal with this. I was shocked, mad, depressed, and finally came to peace with the situation because I knew that God would not have allowed this to happen to me if He did not have other plans for me.
I had a great summer. We bought a house, so that filled up most of the time. We went of vacation to visit my family in Ohio, had an amazing week of VBS, and I taught an art class at Camp Creative. I even joined the church praise band as a "back-up" singer. But when time came to have to register my kids for school, the emotions I had thought I was over came rushing back with a fury and a vengeance.
I had been looking and applying for teaching positions in our district and at schools close to where we live in hopes that if I didn't get hired where I was formerly employed, I would be close to the kids. I applied to receive unemployment benefits and was approved for that.
Yet there I was, going in to register my children for school. I had to go back in and face the people I had spent two years getting to know and enjoy. (My daughter is starting kindergarten this year) I had to stop before I went through the doors to ask God for the strength and confidence to do it. I could feel all the anxiety and anger coming back into me.
I did make it through the registration even when my former principal came over to make small talk. And of course she wanted to know if I had found another job and what my plans were if not. In those moments, I had to control my thoughts and words more than ever. But I had asked God to help me so I knew that it was Him controlling me.
Later that night, was when I felt like I had been knocked back down to the bottom of the barrel. Every teacher friend I had not seen wanted to know if I had found a job. And you have to understand that teaching is what I feel God has led me to do. I started college in 1997 and finished in 2008. (I didn't take classes the entire time, but went when I could) Everyone I knew in the building I'm sure wanted to know. I felt looks of pity from those who knew me in the room. I couldn't stand it. I knew when I dropped off my daughter on the first day of school, I would get the same thing. So thoughts began to flood me. I thought of what I would say to the principal and other people who I was still furious with. I thought of what I would do if I didn't get hired by the time school started. I began to feel destroyed, crushed, and worthless. I was falling into depression. I cried almost all of the next day. I didn't want to leave the house. I wanted to be left alone.
But God sent me a straightforward husband and he wouldn't let me fall into that pit. When he came home from work that day, he left me alone at first but by the end of the day, he had had enough and finally told me that I couldn't let this take over me. So I left the house with him and slowly, the anger began to leave me.
But while I was going through this, I was filling my time with my Facebook page too. There I subscribe to a page that posts Bible verses. On the night I began to fall back into the pit, God put this verse on the page, Eph 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ.
I knew it was what I needed to see and get through my head. My sister commented on that post and said that she had studied and spoke about this very verse the same night. I got comments from others that the verse was something they needed to hear at the time as well. But I was still angry. So I kept looking at the posts of my friends and other pages I subscribed to. And as I scrolled on down the page, I came across another post from a Bible group. This time it was a post of a song. Usually, I don't listen to videos posted, but I clicked on the link and found the most beautiful and moving song. It was still another message I needed to get. I fell in love with the song and the music coming from this couple. I fell in love with the words the poet had written. It spoke to me. It yelled to me, get up you silly girl. God is here and He is working. Trust Him!
Then after my pity party, I looked on my Facebook page the following morning and saw this! Colossians 3:15 The peace that Christ gives is to guide you in the decisions you make; for it is to this peace that God has called you together in the one body. And be thankful. (GNT)
He gives us the tools we need to get through life's trials. He asks that we trust Him. He asks that we give our sins and shortcomings to Him. He will help us through if we just let Him. He is always there. He gives us what we need just when we need it.