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Welcome to My Crazy Life!

Just a day to day, or week to week, account of a mom, teacher, friend, wife, and regular everyday busy woman!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The struggle between my head and my heart

As the first day of school approaches in the district where I live, I can't help but feel disappointed and angry.

I am angry because I saw something and heard something. How could those people behave like that and call themselves Christians? That angers me.
But GOD sees what is ahead. GOD will help me get through it. GOD will provide for me. GOD has something better for me.
Today as I began to write my feelings down, I went full blast. I put all my thoughts and feelings out there. But I know that my God would not approve if I hit the post button with all that, so I edited. A LOT! But this is more therapeutic than anything. I have always been the write it then trash it kind of girl. I can get the things bothering me off my chest by writing it down. And because I write it all and hold nothing back, I often trash those feelings, which is what I did earlier.

My husband and I got into a fight last night because this situation. I try to keep my cool in public when people ask me about what happened when all I really want to do is tell them what I think. I hold back because, for all I know, God may have planned for me to re-join the district. I hold back because it is the right thing to do. I hold back because I don't want to look like I deserved what I got. But when we are home, I don't hold back. He is my best friend and I want to share my thoughts and feelings with him. And I want him to feel the same way as I do about it all. I want him to be sympathetic to me. And one of the big differences between the two of us is that he gets over things more quickly than I do. In fact, I think it takes me at least twice as long as him.
So, after 2 months, I have still not gotten over all of this. Mainly because I have not had any luck with a new job. I had hoped that I would be occupied with something else. I have been looking at graduate school as well. But as I browse through the pages of potential schools for this, nothing interests me yet. Nothing jumps out and says, "This is your next path." So I am in turmoil inside. My head knows that I need to get past this. It says to move on. And I do want to move on. Yet, my heart is still broken. It is still picking up all the pieces from when it was shattered.