One of the things I was always complimented on in my post-observation meetings was how reflective I am. I guess that is a compliment. But sometimes I think I reflect too much. I tend to look back and always make the "what if" statement in my mind. "What if" I had done it this way? "What if" I had not made that choice? And then that gets me thinking about the "What ifs " for my future. "What if" this doesn't work out?
Since school is out and nights have been later and mornings shorter, I find myself in this sort of "funk". I don't necessarily like it, but I'm in it. Actually, I don't like it at all. But here I am. And I know I need to get out of it because not only is it not good for me, it's not good for those who are around me. Because this yucky thing that I'm in makes me relive all those bad and hurtful feelings I felt when I lost my job.
And maybe that is why I can't get out of this. I have not truly gotten over the hurt of losing my job. Words can't describe the hole it has left in me. I loved my job. I still do. And the thought of not teaching again wouldn't be as bad if I didn't have kids. Because then I wouldn't have to go into the schools. Into the place where I want to be.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids with all my heart.
My mind still tells me "Give it to God. Trust in Him." I know that in my heart too. But my human emotions are still so raw and strong, I guess, that this is easier said than done. I do pray that God will show me the right path to follow. I pray that He will help me to help provide for my family. I pray that He will give me guidance and strength so that I may be what He wants me to be. I pray that He gives me the wisdom and courage to show others my true heart and not what I've made it out to be. I pray that He will take all this hurt and use it for good. I pray that He will help me be a better mother, wife, and friend.
It isn't that my job now is not fulfilling. It is, just not in the way teaching did. I had pride when someone asked me what I did for a living. And it's not that I don't have pride now when I tell others, it's just a different type. My job now is something I think I would do on the side, so to speak. It would be an added bonus to what I already did for students. There are a few students who are grateful for the help I have given.
And I know right now this seems really selfish of me. It is all about me and I. But sometimes when a person just writes down their feelings, it helps make it all go away. It's therapeutic writing. Not for anyone else, or for comment or ridicule, just for themselves. But again, I guess that is what diaries are for too!
However, if by reading this, you are driven to comment, by all means, feel free to do so.